Same same, but different.
A day in the life of an entirely hypothetical, highly successful and delusional gentleman.
Any similarity to persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.
8.25 am. Wake up. Late.
8.26 am. Snooze.
8.45 am. Shower, shit, shave. Not necessarily in that order.
8.58 pm. Leave house. Ride frantically to station to meet partner (of the creative variety, not life)
9.04 am. Realisation dawns that laptop/presentation/wallet/brain is still at home.
9.08 am. Arrive at station. Late. Or not the full 10 minutes early your anally retentive bastard of a partner desires.
9.10 am. Studiously avoid making eye contact or speaking to partner for the length of the journey. A lifetime spent on public transport in England provides more than adequate training for this.
10 am. Arrive at office - ‘where the magic happens’ as it’s contractually obligatory to say on Cribs. Break uncomfortable silence to maintain the illusion to our colleague (and ourselves) that we enjoy each other’s company.
10.05 am. Lapse back into silence behind computers and hip hop.
11 am. Time to run the work gambit. You and your partner take turns to ask: ‘So, should we do some work then?’ The first one to say yes loses. Making cups of tea/coffee are acceptable ways to delay the inevitable. Games have been known to go on for days.
12.15 pm. Lunch. Strangely always eaten with the rest of the office. In England you slope off to the pub with your friends for a couple of pints and slag everybody else off relentlessly, a luxury sadly denied in the Dutch workplace.
1 p.m. Time to finally begin the creative process. One of you proposes something, the other will say it’s shit. Repeat until you inevitably return to the first idea you partner had, which you either grudgingly admit was good, or shamelessly claim as your own.
2 pm. Repeat this cycle along every chain of the command process from your boss to the client. At every step the idea gets shitter and more people will take credit for it.
5 pm. Cry. Look to partner for moral support. He’s too busy copying and pasting to notice.
5.05 pm. See 1 pm.
9 pm. Leave office. Late.
9.20 pm. Buy beer for train back. Get accused by partner of being alcoholic. Explain it’s because you’re English.
9.03 pm. Buy more beer for partner to drag him down into alcohol dependency.
9.33 pm. Pass out on train.
10 pm. Home. (Pub).
11 pm. Realise you didn’t have to use your AK. It was a good day.
Repeat until fired.
Next month: How to find a better job. (Subject to author finding one).